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Follow Through
Sarah's Coaching Story
Managing Energy
Changing Other People in a Relationship

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Follow Through

"I am in a situation where I know what I want to do and how to do it but I can not seem to follow through on my intentions. I keep coming up with one good plan after another. I get all excited and vow this time to really follow through. I even get started but after the second or third time, I just fade away. What should I do?"

There are many reasons for not following through – perhaps the goal is not right for you. Maybe you don’t have the resources you need. Maybe you think you want to reach your goal but are actually being pushed into doing something you think you should do but don’t really want to do.

But let’s assume that it is none of those but is just a lack of ability to follow through. Our brains are hard wired to be alert for the things that are threatening to us. We are not really hard wired for following through on things that don’t seem to be an emergency right now.

To override this natural tendency to act only on things that seem to be important in the moment you can trick your brain into following through more naturally. In their book, Following Through: a Revolutionary New Method for Finishing Whatever You Start, Steve Levinson and Pete Greider outline several amazingly effective follow through strategies.

My favorite is called "Leading the Horse to Water". The crux of this strategy is to put yourself in a better position to follow through. This strategy aims to just move you a bit closer to your intended action while at the same time offering you an "out" if the going gets too rough.

The Leading the Horse to Water is all about showing up – it doesn’t ask you to do anything once you are there. Realizing that all you have to do is show up and that you can quit whenever you want is enough to create the forward momemtum you need to get going. And once you get going it is easier to keep going.

For example, when you would rather do anything else than take your daily walk have a standing agreement with yourself that you will just go and put on your walking shoes. Once you have your shoes on and are dressed for your walk it is almost guaranteed that you are out the door walking.

Develop two follow through stratagies to use whenever you find yourself not doing what you say you want to do. Celebrate and acknowlede yourself every time you do follow through.

Sarah’s Coaching Story

"When I started working with Mary Ann I was exhausted. I had far too much to do and far too little time. I did not know what to do; for months I felt that there was no way out. Running a business and having two small children was one challenge too much for me.

"Many coaches have tried to coach me through this with little success; I needed someone who could coach me and also have the answers. Three months on (with Mary Ann) and life is very different. My energy is back and I have a system that works for me, I have let go of so much and I feel back in control of my life.

"Mary Ann made many things so clear to me, we worked on my brain chemistry and how what I was eating may be having an effect on my energy. Immediately, on Mary Ann’s advice, I changed my eating habits and my energy began to return, I began to understand the destructive things I was doing to myself to gain the nutrients I needed from my food.

"We began to implement a working system for me of two weeks on (working) and two weeks off (working). Mary Ann advised, coached and mentored me here, which really helped. I did not have to find all the answers myself which is what had been missing before.

"We also looked at my client systems and how I could accommodate all the needs of my clients and still have the time I needed – this system is now running amazingly (well). We also looked at what could go, what I could drop. For the first time ever, I began to let go of things and it felt so good.

"Mary Ann’s style is gentle, intuitive and challenging. She shows you new perspectives, shares her ideas, and helps you create a plan for moving forward. She always has your agenda at the top of her list and you get this sense that all she is doing is in the service of moving you forward.

"For once in my life, I feel totally in control of everything. I work less and I achieve much more. I would highly recommend Mary Ann to anyone who really wants to make a difference to their work/life balance in a very positive and productive way."

--Sarah Newton, United Kingdom

Managing Energy

Angela (not her real name) wanted me to coach her because - although she has her own successful coaching practice - she felt terrible. She had no energy and could hardly get through the day. She confessed that she dreaded getting out of bed in the mornings and was beginning to think that she hated coaching because she dreaded her coaching calls.

Angela is one of those enthusiastic people who believe that they can take on any exciting project that comes their way. She is full of creative ideas so there were always wonderful projects coming her way. This had worked well for many years. You'd think she was well on her way to living the life of her dreams.

Except she could not get out of bed in the morning and her dream was becoming her nightmare.

She was going to school, serving on several professional boards and was raising two small children. All in addition to running her own private practice.

The aim in our coaching sessions was to help Angela gain more control over her life and for her to get a sense that she was doing what she wanted to do. We began by setting up a system where she would start to build some momentum in her life. She was doing so many things and was so scattered in jumping from one thing to the next that she felt she could never really have the time to complete anything. She never felt ahead of things. The best Angela could do to stay just a half a step in front of the next crisis.

We set about to divide her days into laser, support and free days to help her build momentum and feel a sense of control and order in her life. She was a quick study (and highly motivated because of the stress in her life) and went right to work setting up her schedule. She soon experienced that if she did not stay clearly focused on the day’s theme, she lost her momentum and the power of the system. And she was back into feeling tired, cranky and overwhelmed.

She was atypical in that she had her whole life revamped in about 7 days. It usually takes much longer than that for people to accept what is possible and to slowly change things over. She was happily implementing her new schedule, and enjoying its benefits.

In our next session, she decided to dilute the new schedule a bit. She would see ""just a couple"" of clients on her free day. She did this and the next time I spoke with her we checked in on how this went. It turned out that she found herself dreading her appointments on her free days. She had anxiety about it all day, was irritable, felt down all day anticipating these calls. It was clear that she was not enjoying those calls. She was thinking that she didn’t want to work with those clients anymore - and maybe the worst thing of all was that she dreaded working with her clients - even though she thought she loved the work she was doing! When it was time for a session with a client she just wished they would cancel.

In probing more deeply into what was really happening we articulated a standard that she could use as a guideline to be sure that she was on track. She would check to see if she was enjoying what she was doing. If she was enjoying it she was on track. Being on track meant that she was effective, efficient, leveraging the strengths of the moment, being her best and there were no hidden costs to eat up her energy reserves. She discovered that she enjoyed herself most when she did not budge from her schedule. When she stayed faithful to her Laser, Free and Support days she kept herself on track and she enjoyed what she was doing.

When she moved those Free Day clients to their proper time in a Support day, she discovered that she really loved working with those clients and she loved what she was doing. And of course, she then was great at what she did!

Angela now feels a remarkable flow of high energy. She has plenty of time for all of her projects, has gotten rid of all the commitments that she did not fully enjoy and that were dragging her down, has two weeks out of each month where she does not have to work and can spend important time with her family, and is on target to having her business be the main support for her family.

Changing Other People in a Relationship

"My husband and I have been married for five years and his family is still a mystery to me. I’ve tried everything I know to develop a closer relationship with them. I call his parents at least once a week, set up outings and dinner dates with them, and invite them on our excursions. All to no avail. They simply don’t seem interested. I think that close family relationships are important and I’ve told them how much I would like to get to know them better. And still their response is lukewarm. Should I just give up?"

Research shows that when we feel emotionally disconnected from those with whom we are in relationship, our emotional brain becomes aroused and we move into flight or fight mode. This means we respond only in terms of defense and attack. The results are not good for our relationships and it throws our physiology into chaos.

Nothing affects the emotional brain like the quality of your relationships. Women are relationship oriented - Relationships mean a lot to women. A good relationship can give you increased energy and support a positive outlook. A troubled relationship can wear you out. The health and wellbeing of your relationships entrains your emotional brain, which in turn governs your physiological health.

When you are engaged in disconnected, turbulent, or emotionally unfulfilling relationships, your moods and energy can become drained, negative, and unsustaining.

By contrast, relationship peace and connection can lead to better health and well-being, more vital energy and more positive moods. By almost every measure those who have close and rewarding relationships do better than those who have turbulent relationships.

Often times in relationships we are looking to the other party to be an equal part of turning the relationship into something that meets our needs. But before we even get to that point there is a lot of our own internal work that can be done and often needs to be done before we can experience the kind of relationships we want.

In a situation like you are experiencing the first place to look at would be the whole issue of your need to have close family relationships. It is so important to be aware of our needs and then to find a way to get those needs met. Asking for what you need from friends and family can be wonderful and successful tactic to help get those needs taken care of. But, there are pitfalls in that process.

You may be asking your husband’s family to fulfill a need of yours that they are not capable of fulfilling – particularly in a way that is satisfying to you. If you have a need for close family relationships, you have to match up with someone who likes to give close family relationships. It makes no sense to keep coming to the tropics when you want to be snow skiing. They may be doing the best they can but simply not be able to do what it is you need.

If you have a need for this experience of close family relationships and your in-laws don’t seem to be able to meet that need – find another way. Perhaps it is more fulfilling for you (and less stress on them) if you fill your need by developing close relationships with other members of the family.

Also, it is a good practice to discover what is underlying this need. Maybe, these close family relationships make you feel connected and secure in a caring network. If that is the case, there are many means to experience this type of connection – become a Big Sister or get involved in a local charity organization. Once you discover the essence of your need there are many ways to get that need met.

Could be that your in-laws are already experiencing a close family relationship with you. Maybe their lukewarm response is their idea of a close family relationship and it could help you if you found out more about their ideal family interactions. Some people can feel totally connected to friends and family and not see or speak with them for months. You all might be in agreement on the basic outcome of the relationships – it is just that the ways and means that don’t mesh.

Maybe they don’t like doing the things the things you like to do – find out what their favorite things to do are. Sitting home and watching TV might be their preference and they aren’t so fond of dinners out and excursions to new places.

There is a quote by Gandhi that says, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” This is wonderful advice for a relationship. Often we come to a relationship seeking something outside of ourselves. If we want intimacy in a relationship we can not be waiting for the other person to be intimate. We have to be intimacy ourselves. We have to develop our own experience of intimacy so that no matter who we are relating to we are able to experience an intimate connection with them. The experience comes from our own dynamic and we merge and expand that experience in the presence of another – but we don’t depend on them to make something happen for us. We become the experience we want to have in a relationship.

Unfortunately – or is that fortunately?- you can’t change anyone but yourself. Taking the focus off your husband’s in-laws and putting it on the only place you can change – yourself – will put you back in the driver’s seat and leave you in an empowered position. The need you feel for close family relationships may be your call to become connection, intimacy, or support. As you grow and develop these characteristics, of the essence of close family relationships, you will not only fill up your need but also generate those characteristics in the world and attract them to you.

Good luck and have fun.

“When we know that the cause of something is in ourselves, and that we (ourselves) are one of the few things in the universe that we have the right and ability to change, we begin to get a sense of the choices we really do have, an inkling of the power we have, a feeling of being in charge of our lives, of our future, of our dreams.”
- John-Roger and Peter McWilliams

We're here to help

If you want more help reaching your goals Life By Design Personal Coaching can help you:

• Define what you want for yourself
• Add clarity, vision and purpose to your dream
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